Dirty Jobs
by Laume
Summary: AU, LOTR Crossover. A new year, and of course a new DADA professor. He seems a bit off, but Harry still manages to use his teachings to his ultimate advantage.


The Anually New DADA Professor 

A/N: AU. I mean…really AU and very silly. LOTR and HP Crossover. I own neither. Alas. I'm just not that briljant. Semi-quotes ahead though.

The train slowly halted at the Hogsmeade Station just as dusk began to settle in. The giant form on the platform casting an eerily large shadow.

"Firs' Years, over 'ere! Firs' Years! Hey, Harry! 'Ello Ron, Hermione. I hope y'all had a good summer?"

Harry didn't respond, but Ron and Hermione nodded enthusiastically.

"Go on, then, to the carriages. This weather ain't good for the Thestrals, sooner I got them back in their shelter the better. Firs' Years!! Follow me to the boats!"

"See you later, Hagrid!" the three called after him.

The carriage quickly deposited them to the Entrance Hall and they wasted no time going to the Great Hall.

"It's good to be back, isn't it, Harry?" Hermione asked delightedly.

The dark-haired teen nodded unsmilingly. "It's good to be home," he confirmed too soft to be heard.

"I hope the Sorting won't take too long," Ron muttered, "I'm famished."

"After all those cauldron cakes and sweets you ate on the train?" Hermione scolded, "Honestly, Ron!"

"I'm a growing boy, I need my food," Ron countered indignantly, "Mum says so. What are you doing, Harry? You're not admiring Snape, are you?"

"I'm checking out the new DADA professor. It must be that man sitting next to Professor Snape, he's the only new one."

Indeed, next to the Potions Master, a man clad in dark grey robes sat quietly talking to the younger wizard. Snape, although clearly answering respectfully, seemed a little fearful. The man was eyeing the assembled students with sharp but kind eyes.

"He must be as old as Dumbledore!" Ron exclaimed, "He's ancient!"

"Maybe he's an old schoolfriend of Dumbledore's," Hermione suggested. "I do hope it's a halfway decent teacher this time."

At that moment Professor McGonagall entered, carrying the stool and the Sorting Hat.

"Hey old friend!" the Hat cheerfully chirped at the new addition to the Staff Table, "how absolutely delightful to see you here!"

They couldn't hear the old man's response, but his smile said enough.

"He knows the Sorting Hat!" whispers began to erup throughout the Hall until the entrance of the youngest students silenced them.

"When I call your name, you will come up here, sit on the stool. I will place the Sorting Hat on your head and it will call out which House you will go. Andrews, Victoria!"

Each newly Sorted student was welcomed with applause and cheers from their new Housemates. The old man next to Snape clapped and laughed and cheered as loud as any student, and occasionally even got Snape to applaud for non-Slytherin students. Finally, after the last child had scrambled from the chair to join the Hufflepuff table, Dumbledore stood up.

"Welcome, to yet another year at Hogwarts! We will get the notices out of the way while you are still awake. First, the Forbidden Forest. It's forbidden, as it's name clearly suggests. Stay out of it, unless you are accompanied by a Staff member. Second, our Caretaker, Mr Filch, informs me that some of you have been slipping laxatives into the post-owl treats. Not only does that create a whole lot more work for our Caretaker, it's also bad for the health of the animals. So if you have the irresistable urge to create a mess, do so in a way that does not harm any animal."

Dumbledore seemed oblivious to the Snape-like glare that was directed at him by the caretaker, who clearly had slightly different priorities in the post-owl matter than the Headmaster.

"Also, on the door of Mr Filch's office you will find the list of banned items. You will have to unshrink it, as the unshrunken list has now grown so long it no longer fits on the doors of the Great Hall, let alone the office door. The list includes everything from Weasley's Wizarding Wheezes, with the exception of Pygmy Puffs. However, Mrs Norris has taken a particular liking to them, so it is advisable to keep an eye on your Pygmy Puff at all times."

Dumbledore's eyes started to twinkle.

"And now I have the pleasure of introducing this year's Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher. Please welcome Professor Mithrandir."

The old man stood up and took a slight bow. "Gandalf will do," he commented.

"Professor Gandalf, then. And now, tuck in!"

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Harry, Hermione and Ron expectantly stared at their new DADA professor, who sat behind his desk, smoking a pipe.

"Hmmm. So. My students. Must say, never had this many at once. You," he pointed his pipe at Harry, "you carry the fate of us all."

Harry stared at his clenched fists. "I wish I didn't."

"So do all who were born in such times. But you must destroy the Ring."

"Voldemort," Harry corrected.

This caused the wizard to look up in surprise. "What?"

"Voldemort," Harry clarified, "I have to destroy Voldemort. Not a ring. Unless it is a Horcrux, of course."

"Ah. I see. Well, as I told Frodo, the Voldemort Ring can only be destroyed were it was made, in the fires of Mount Doom."

Harry raised an eyebrow. "Mount Doom? What is that?"

"A huge vulcano, of course, in Mordor," Professor Gandalf clarified. "But don't trust the Head of the Order. He betrayed me already."

"Who, Dumbledore?" Harry asked, dumbfounded. He might have had his difficulties with the old man, but betrayal?

"No, Saruman," Gandalf looked up. "The Head of my Order. Anyway. You are here to learn. Put away your books and get your staff."

"Wand," Hermione said, "we use wands, Professor Mithrandir."

"What? Why? A staff is much more comfortable, and when you run out of spells, you can always whack someone with it. Worked wonders to correct the attitude of that Potions Master of yours."

Snorts were heard and the students merrily went to work.

After class, Harry approached the old wizard.

"Sir?"

"Gandalf, my boy, Gandalf."

"Gandalf…can you tell me more of this Ring and Mount Doom?"

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A few weeks later, all sorts of alarms went off in Hogwarts Castle, waking the innocently sleeping occupants at a very unreasonable hour.

As the Staff stormed around the castle trying to find out what happened, they finally located a sleeprumpled Headmaster in the Entrance Hall.

"Albus, what is going on?" McGonagall asked, "are we under attack?"

A twinkle so bright it nearly turned Snape to dust on the spot appeared in the Headmaster's eyes.

"No, Minerva. I have reason to believe that Harry has just destroyed Voldemort."

Everyone stared at him in shock, except for Gandalf, who smiled knowingly and nodded in an infuriatingly calm manner.

Just as the shocked Staff found their voice to demand answers, a sootcovered young man, charms all over him, walked into the Hall. His black hair stuck out in all directions, but his bright green eyes were shining with joy. There was the faint outline of a scar on his forehead, faded. It would undoubtedly eventually be nearly invisible.

"POTTER! HARRY!"

"Is he dead? What happened? What have you done?" and "10 points from Gryffindor for being out after curfew," were all uttered at the same time.

"Severus!" Dumbledore scolded before he turned to Harry.

"Please, my boy – is it true?"

"Yes," Harry smiled, "Voldemort is gone."

"How?" Filius Flitwick asked, trying to analyze the charms on Harry.

"I dropped him into a vulcano," Harry said, "I got the idea from Professor Gandalf."

All eyes turned to the man in grey.

"You told him to drop Voldemort in a Vulcano?" asked Sprout indignantly.

"He told me stories of how an acquaintance of his destroyed another Dark Lord like that," Harry protested. "So, I decided it was worth a try. I called in my lifedebt from Wormtail…"

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"Harry, please, is there no other way we can settle this debt?" Pettigrew cowered.

"Nope," Harry responded, "I'm not even asking you to take a Killing Curse for me or anything. Just let me into the Mansion when you and Voldemort are there by yourself, and show me his bedroom when he is asleep. That is all."

"You're asking me to betray my Master!" Wormtail wailed.

Harry gave him a pointed look.

"Tonight, then," the rat finally said.

"Good. And remember, Wormtail – betrayal while you are repaying a life-debt is a heavy crime. Look at it this way: tonight either your Master or I die. Should I die, nothing is lost. Should he die, I will not come after you. You have my Wizard's Oath on that."

Wormtail nodded, relieved.

"Of course Remus will hunt you down for as long as it takes," Harry muttered to himself.

That night, Wormtail opened a door in the wards with some difficulty. Harry slipped in under his cloak.

"Come," the rat whispered.

Harry swallowed. He followed the small man through the mansion, up the stairs, trying to make as little noise as possible. Voldemort had to remain asleep. He had to. Wormtail pointed to a door, and Harry slowly pushed it open, inch by inch.

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"He was asleep," Harry said, sitting down on the stairs, "I had made a Portkey to Hawaii. We were there before he knew what was happening. My Body Bind on him held for just ten seconds, but it was enough to drop him in the Mauna."

"HARRY!" Hermione and Ron had joined the teachers while Harry was telling the story, and Hermione, apparently, had heard of this vulcano, "Harry, that was dangerous!"

"It was always going to be dangerous, Mi," Harry said as if he was talking about the weather, "and I protected myself with several charms. He did not have that advantage. Sorry to rob you of your epic heroic battle, Professor Gandalf."

"Oh, that is quite alright, dear boy," Gandalf laughed, "Glad I could help."

Harry stood up and yawned. "I haven't slept in days," he ruffled his hair, "I'm going to shower and get some sleep. If I may be excused from class today, sir?"

Dumbledore nodded mutely as his most famous student slowly climbed the stairs to a hot bath and a soft bed.

The End. Sorta.


End file.
